This Is How My Brain Works...
My name is Neil, and when I grow up, I want to be a professional basketball player, a freedom fighter, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

I made the black20 videos.

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How did you come up with the title of your blog/tumblr?
Asked by Anonymous

I think I turned to my then girlfriend, now wife and said, “Do you ever wonder what kind of dinosaur lived where this house right now?”

She answered, “What made you say that?”

"That’s how my brain works."

I penned an Internet column of the same name before this blog, and I only wrote random thoughts I had throughout the day.  Lots of snack food thoughts.  I tend to wander when I’m forearm deep in a box of Cheezits.  Go back far enough, and you’ll see more.  Or click random at the top. 

Since getting on tumblr, I’ve noticed I’ve had to incorporate more pictures, but I hope the heart of this stuff is still the genuine, stream of consciousness thoughts.

For example:

  • I’m not a fan of the Real Housewives of NJ, but I’m a big fan of greatness anywhere, and the RHNJ Reunion Show was the greatest reunion show in the history of reality television.  Believe that.
  • You wanna make your meal classy?  Buy one of those metal domes with the hole in the top to cover your dinner plate.  Put it on before you sit down.  Take it off just before you wanna to eat.  That metallic “wong” sound it makes when you lift it off makes you feel like you’re at the Four Seasons, SON!
  • Whoever created the word “dipshit” must have killed it on the unveiling.  Can you imagine hearing that word for the first time ever?  Shut the room down funny.  Rule for saying “dipshit”:  hit the “p,” hit the “t,” and you’re good. 
  • The red-dipped ice cream cone ALWAYS SEEMS like the right answer, but never is.  Other things that fall into that camp?  Lysol spray. 
whats the best way to make a lot of money fast?
Asked by Anonymous

"Best" can be perceived in a lot of ways.  I’ll answer this question because I’m intrigued, but in the future, please be as specific as possible (just kidding Internet abbreviation - I can never remember it).

"Best" implies four things:

  1. Success
  2. Speed
  3. Amount
  4. Retention

My initial thought was “rob a bank.”  What you lose in success (1) and retention (4), you gain in speed (2) and amount (3).  That’s not a bad trade off, depending on your circumstances.  If speed (2) is of paramount importance, grab a mask and stick a .22 in that boot of yours.  It won’t get better.

Things to watch out for, in descending order of importance: death, being shot a lot, having to kill somebody to set the tone.

Fringe benefit of robbing a bank: movie rights.  If you do this right, it could turn into a career, which could get you immortalized in a film.  There are lots of great actors that could play you.  People like John Lithgow, Gary Sinise, Christina Applegate, Demi Lovato, Daniel Bernard Sweeney, Jennifer Lopez and Dennis Hopper.  There are lots of them.

But lets assume you need a coalescence of all four criteria.  Medicine and law take too long.  Pro-athlete is great, but immense athleticism required.  That leaves me with the answer:  Inventor.

You gotta invent something, pal.  People do it all the time.  Build a cell phone that checks for polyps.  Make a tailpipe that looks like a cigarette, so it looks like your car is smoking.  Anything.  I don’t care.

Then you gotta just start selling it.  Stands work well.  Infomercials are even better.  Some giant company like B.Dalton or Black and Decker will come and buy you out for the rights.

Ring up another right answer for Neil.

My wife and best friend talk convention

  • My friend Jay: I'm going to Atlanta, ostensibly to see friends, but also to attend Dragon-Con.
  • My wife: What is that?
  • My friend Jay: It's 30 to 40,000 nerds in downtown Atlanta enjoying nerdy books and television, rather than comics. I go and enjoy acting like I'm a little bit above it all.
  • My wife: Do people dress up like dragons? Is that a dumb question?
  • Me: Nope. It's a really good one.
  • My friend Jay: Totally valid. It's not like I won't see someone dressed up as a dragon...
  • Me: ...it's just that it's not required.
  • My friend Jay: Right. You don't have to.
My question is in two parts. First off, when making beef jerky, should the fruit (or beef?) of my labors be shared with friends or kept to myself. Secondly, will eating said beef jerky help Terrelle Pryor win a Heisman trophy?
Asked by Anonymous

Great question.  I totally get it.

PART ONE A:

Do you need to share your jerky?  A qualified “No.”  It’s completely work dependent.

Cooking or otherwise preparing food (drying, aging, salting, etc.) does not jive with this turkey.  I buy my food.  It’s worth my money to avoid the work.  Like taxes.  I give you the money, you do the food work, bring it all to me, and I’ll eat it with my mouth.  That’s just how I get down.

And that’s a two-way street.  If you do the work and the amount of work, or degree of difficulty of said work, is such that it warrants you keeping your food, that’s absolutely fair and acceptable.  Any reasonable person should understand that.  Now, I’ve never made jerky (see above), so I can’t, with 100% accuracy, speak to the challenge, but I say you keep the beef of your labor (well said, sir or ma’am).

One other thing to consider: is the person you’re debating sharing with a significant other, and how important is that relationship?  This one is actually much easier.  If you are debating not giving the jerky you made to your significant other, you should break up with that person as soon as you possibly can.  That person is not as important as your cured meat.  You should go.  Get your stuff and leave.  Never look back.  Assume that person is dead.

PART TWO A:

The Magic 8-Ball in my brain says “Outlook not so good.”

I’m a firm believer in a leopard showing his spots early, especially in college sports.  Pryor’s had the chance to make every defensive coordinator and every college linebacker fear him, and he’s not done it. 

It’s in part because his throwing accuracy is slightly above Mike Vick’s, if Mike Vick was playing with Ray Charles’ eyeballs, and in part because he’s playing Tressel ball.  If Jimmy’s up 14 in the fourth, he’s not gonna run it up for stats.  He’s gonna grind out the clock.

He’ll be at the Downtown Athletic Club, but “Don’t count on it.”

Cause sometimes you just need some fucking milk.
I imagine him getting home, putting on his camouflaged shirt or red and grey striped pants and eating bowls and bowls of Lucky Charms surrounded by cartoon birds.

Cause sometimes you just need some fucking milk.

I imagine him getting home, putting on his camouflaged shirt or red and grey striped pants and eating bowls and bowls of Lucky Charms surrounded by cartoon birds.

Even Percy Harvin couldn’t take all the Brett Favre talk today…

Even Percy Harvin couldn’t take all the Brett Favre talk today…

I’m pretty sure I got Inceptioned tonight…

…because I just woke up and I’ve never wanted a panini so goddamn bad in my life.

The question is, “Have you spent over $250 on M&M’s?”

My answer is, “I’m certain.”

Over 80 Planet Hollywood’s have been closed worldwide.  There are only 5 left.  The ESPN Zone, too, is down to just 5 operational locations.  The Fashion Cafe Chain, with supermodel investors like Claudia Schiffer and Naomi Campbell, has gone under completely.  The Rainforest Cafe has somehow managed to keep it’s hands on the wheel with 21 locations across the globe, but all of these franchises…all of them…pale in comparison to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
With a robust 31 locations, including two restaurants in both Japan and the Philippines, the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company is a tribute to the endearing charm of the time-tested tradition of racism in this country.
I mean, what’s better than the Po’ Boy of a dumb black character from a grossly overrated movie?

Over 80 Planet Hollywood’s have been closed worldwide.  There are only 5 left.  The ESPN Zone, too, is down to just 5 operational locations.  The Fashion Cafe Chain, with supermodel investors like Claudia Schiffer and Naomi Campbell, has gone under completely.  The Rainforest Cafe has somehow managed to keep it’s hands on the wheel with 21 locations across the globe, but all of these franchises…all of them…pale in comparison to the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.

With a robust 31 locations, including two restaurants in both Japan and the Philippines, the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company is a tribute to the endearing charm of the time-tested tradition of racism in this country.

I mean, what’s better than the Po’ Boy of a dumb black character from a grossly overrated movie?

Beer to be sold in dead animals.  Believe that.
(click through for article)

Beer to be sold in dead animals.  Believe that.

(click through for article)

YUM YUM SNACK TIME!!!!  I just finished a big bag of Combinations.  Jealous?

YUM YUM SNACK TIME!!!!  I just finished a big bag of Combinations.  Jealous?

Can we all get on the same page?

If it’s Wednesday, and I say “next Friday,” I do NOT mean two days from now.  I mean 9 days from now. 

Two days from now is “This Friday.” The upcoming Friday also happens to be the “next Friday,” but we have to establish rules, and live by them.  Right?

Are we all on the same page?

Dennis Rodman had an accident this past weekend.  An accident that apparently put about 60 extra lbs. on him.
By the looks of it, “The Worm” flipped his car and then ate thousands and thousands of waffles.

Dennis Rodman had an accident this past weekend.  An accident that apparently put about 60 extra lbs. on him.

By the looks of it, “The Worm” flipped his car and then ate thousands and thousands of waffles.

ATTENTION NEW YORKERS:
Your worst nightmares have come true.  It’s is imperative you read the following.  Above is the 7th Ave. E-Train stop. 
It is a double recessed stop.  For me to hop the train back to Queens, I head downstairs, and then take another staircase below that.  You’ll notice the lights above, which are positioned on the underside of I-beams that keep all the dirty cement from crushing my body.  If you look at the nearest lights, closest to the top of the photo, you’ll see that there’s space between the I-beams and the ceiling.
Why is any of this important?  It’s important because I saw a RAT, a big RAT, and it was DARK GRAY, walking deftly across one of those beams.
If RATS walk those beams, then they are right above our heads, straphangers.  One misstep and that RAT is falling on someone.  Can you imagine? 
How many stations are built this way?  Everyone, for all I know.
I felt it was my civic duty to warn all of you.  Be vigilant.

ATTENTION NEW YORKERS:

Your worst nightmares have come true.  It’s is imperative you read the following.  Above is the 7th Ave. E-Train stop. 

It is a double recessed stop.  For me to hop the train back to Queens, I head downstairs, and then take another staircase below that.  You’ll notice the lights above, which are positioned on the underside of I-beams that keep all the dirty cement from crushing my body.  If you look at the nearest lights, closest to the top of the photo, you’ll see that there’s space between the I-beams and the ceiling.

Why is any of this important?  It’s important because I saw a RAT, a big RAT, and it was DARK GRAY, walking deftly across one of those beams.

If RATS walk those beams, then they are right above our heads, straphangers.  One misstep and that RAT is falling on someone.  Can you imagine? 

How many stations are built this way?  Everyone, for all I know.

I felt it was my civic duty to warn all of you.  Be vigilant.

I don’t care WHAT it says about me…

I have a visceral reaction of joy and excitement everytime I see the new Jersey Shore promo.  How can you NOT like that show?