January 2009
16 posts
Think anyone’s ever choked and died on communion? How far do you think the Catholic Church would go to keep that story under wraps? Do you think they have snipers and spotters in every church, ready to just lay somebody down that chokes on the body of Christ?
I was eating in an Applebee’s recently and I overheard a woman ask, “Where’s the bathroom.” The hostess answered, “It’s in the back, by the barber pole.” Which made me realize, directions inside an Applebee’s are a lot of fun. For example:
“Walk past the kitchen, make a right at the stop sign, and it’s the first door on the left, under the snowshoes.”
“Walk towards the Clay High School Class...
I took a road trip recently where I drove for 4 hours on a Friday night, and just under 4 hours on a Sunday night. In this 7+ hours of driving, spread over two days in the year 2008 (a month short of 2009), I heard the song “Rio” by Duran Duran three times in my car on the radio. The last time that happened to someone had to be at least 20 years ago.
I have 6 different tools specifically designed to remove hair from different parts of my body, and from the looks of it, one would have to assume all 6 tools are broken.
Public vomiting - it’s funny to know it’s going on. It’s not funny to smell it going on. My favorite public vomit story happened recently. I went to see the movie Milk, and right after Harvey Milk won his seat, a woman behind me puked in a plastic grocery bag. I have to assume she had some bad concessions.
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I’ve highlighted my Points of Pride© before. There are just a number of things in my life I’ve grown exceedingly proud of, and I’d like to enumerate them.
Some Points of Pride are coincidental. For example, I’ve never seen any of the Lethal Weapon movies. I’m not boycotting them, I just have no interest in a Mel Gibson/Danny Glover movie.
On other Points of...
My fiancee and I are proactively working on our ESP and beaming each other thoughts and messages through concentration. I realize you’ve all tried this, but have any of you had a serious breakthrough?
Like many other old people, I long for simpler times – when candy bars were 50 cents, when dancing hot dogs meant the movie’s about to start, and when a steel chair in wrestling meant lights OUT. No more wrestling after the chair, fellas. Can’t we just go back to the way things were?
My first job in entertainment was not writing this stupid blog. I actually got started as one of the guys that grab kids out of their bedrooms on MTV’s Room Raiders.
Did you read about the guy that crashed his car and died while listening to Ludacris? If not, you have to check out the article here.
Coincidentally, my nickname were I a UFC fighter and the name of the dream roller coaster I’ve created in my head are the same: Hell on Earth.
I remember every lyric to the song “Poison” by Bell Biv Devoe. That song came out in 1996. In 1996, I also learned how to conjugate the Spanish word escuchar, yet I can’t recall how it’s done now. That is the power of music.
If I was even slightly musical, I would write and record songs about the human body - anatomy, physiology, systemic diseases and things of the...
My father was finally called for jury duty, which means someone’s going to jail for “being stupid.”
If I’m eating Chinese food with people, and I want to impress them, I’ll eat my fortune cookie and throw away the fortune without ever reading it. It’s so hardcore. People can’t believe that move.