November 2008
17 posts
All I’m saying is, if I’m running the company that makes Swedish Fish, I make a new mold, start pumping out those old-school fish bones (Heathcliff-style), and call them Swedish Fishbones. Brand new candy, perfectly good joke, and product diversification. That’s a hit. And a candy trifecta.
I got my first massage at a spa. It was honestly, a top 5 most embarrassing moment in my life. I was standing in a locker room in my jeans, high tops and t-shirt, staring at a robe and wondering, “What am I supposed to wear?” I asked and they told me I should just wear my boxers underneath! Can you believe that? Then they escorted me to this cabana, and told me to take my robe off and lay on...
My biggest weakness is french fries. I love them like family. But I have the blood pressure of a race horse, and I need to stop eating them. It’s humbling to know I’m being systematically beaten by tiny pieces of fried potato. I vow to stop eating french fries.
I’ve never thrown change in the exact change basket at a toll booth and missed. Never. Every time I throw that money, it goes right in the hole, and that sign tells me I can leave.
I’m not sure where he falls in my favorite Muppets of all-time list, but Rolf has got to be pretty high. I love that bawdy, little, piano-playing dog.
Becoming President ruins your children’s lives. The moment a President is elected, the lives of the children involved are gone forever. That child can never just be John or Joan Smith. They’ll always be the son or daughter of a President. No one that runs for President puts his or her children first. I would go as far as to say, both Obama and McCain care more about their careers than their...
There are two immutable truths in this world: 1.) I love jello, and 2.) nobody writes poetry.
I overheard this conversation between two exceptionally white people on a NYC subway:
Guy: Wait, Matisyahu or Modest Mouse?
Girl: I think it was Matisyahu.
Guy: He’s like a Hasidic Jew?
Girl (pointing): Yes, that’s him.
Guy: Yeah, I think he’s a rabbi or something.
I was canceling my cable service (death to Time Warner Cable), and saw a 40-year old, male immigrant at an Internet kiosk watching Tom & Jerry episodes on veoh.com. He was laughing pretty hard about every 5 seconds. It was equal parts sad and fucking awesome.
I don’t understand why there were ever button-fly jeans. Why were they ever made? Certainly wasn’t for ease of use. Were those fashionable at one point? If so, why? The fly is covered by that flap of jean. You never even see the buttons.
I think the worst name to be called is a “Fucking dork,” followed by “Shithead.”
I recently had one of those appetizer combo bonanza plates that included chips and salsa, chicken fingers, sliders, wings and ribs. It was delicious. Of course, we had some extra wings and ribs, and as we left, my girlfriend made me give our leftovers to a homeless person. Now, I’m not arguing we should have kept our leftovers. What I am arguing is that giving a homeless man barbecued ribs and...
At some point, a while ago, someone must have said, “I just wish I could buy fake presents for my ‘friends’ on facebook.”
Would you ever pour water over a big, sloppy stranger’s body, letting it run past his teeth, through his chest hair, down his belly, and past his privates, catch the water as it dripped off him, and then use that water to pour over your mouth and face, rushing through your hair, and slipping past your eye lashes? Well if you use public pools, that’s exactly what you’re doing.
You are reading the blog of the 313,411th best brick breaker player on the Verizon network.
If you’re telling me orange Tic-Tacs aren’t far and away the best Tic-Tacs, then I’m calling you a giant liar. Save it. You’re taking that stance just to be difficult.